Siphon
by Daza
Summary: Sakura, Naruto and Sasuke face off against the inevitable as they struggle to see the truth.
1. one

A/N Divergent future sometime around...just, divergent future._  
_

_- _

_ "A syphon creates a vacuum," Sakura explained. "You put one end of the hose in the basin and make sure the other end is lower, so the pressure pulls everything - Naruto, are you listening to me?_

_ No._

_ "Yeah, 'course, Sakura-chan!"_

_ "You could have finished this five times faster!"_

_ "Whatever," I said, and started mucking the leaves from the bottom of the fountain._

_- _

My life hit rock bottom the day I was born. I like to think that means everyday after just keeps getting better, right? I mean, I'm not dead, I'm not crippled, and ramen's already been invented, so things have definitely started looking up for me since the day I was orphaned and sealed with the demon that took out half of Konoha. For a kid who started out with what I think amounts to less than nothing, I haven't done half bad for myself. Sure, lots of people still want to run me out of the city, but a lot less people want me dead than they did sixteen years ago. I'd even go so far as to say some people even like me now, or at least tolerate me, which is practically the same thing anyway. I take what I can get.

What I can get right now is a cheesy C-rank mission supervising some kid's birthday party. Like you need two qualified shinobi to watch a bunch of kids stick their heads in a bucket. Great talent is going to waste here while Sasuke gets to go off on, probably like...I don't know. Some mission that's way better than babysitting. We're not even allowed to bob for apples - just make sure the kids don't drown or something. Well fine. Who wants to bob for apples anyway? I don't.

"Oi, Sakura-chan," I moan. "How much longer?"

"Two more hours. Stop whining," she says.

Two more hours? That's like, a hundred and twenty minutes I could be training, or eating, or picking my nose or getting splinters and instead I'm watching kids try to catch apples with their teeth. Did I say my life was getting better? Well it's not.

"Did Sasuke tell you anything about the mission he's on today?" Sakura asks me, but I don't answer and all the kids start screaming about the pinata. I never knew kids could be so annoying. A good idea would be to leave the whole thing to Sakura and go get ramen. Maybe if she's not looking I can switch with a shadow clone...

"What's with that face, Naruto?" Sakura demands. She folds her arms across her chest and glares at me, waiting for an answer. I put on my best innocent look.

"What face?"

"Don't give me that 'what face' crap!" She screams. I guess I'm not the only one fed up with this 'mission.' We'd better get a good tip for this one. Maybe I'll use it to buy some earplugs.

"Ne, Sakura-chan! I don't know what you're talking about!" When in doubt, deny everything. That's what Ero-sennin says.

"Like hell," Sakura huffs. "You always look shifty when you're up to something. You'd better not be thinking of ditching me and getting ramen."

Crap.

"Haha, no way! I wouldn't do that!" Oh well. Guess she didn't graduate at the top of the class for nothing.

"Whatever. Anyway, you didn't answer my question before. Did Sauke say anything to you?"

I didn't answer because I don't care.

"Like I care what that asshole is doing today. Probably kicking puppies or something."

"Sasuke doesn't kick puppies."

"Yes he does."

"No, he doesn't!" Sakura snaps. "When have you ever seen him abuse any small animal?"

I cross my arms and look away. "Sasuke kicks puppies all the time. He's such a bastard."

"NO HE DOES NOT!"

Sakura always manages to surprise me with her volume. From the kids' stunned silence, looks like she surprised them too. There goes that tip. At least I don't need earplugs now, since I'm completely deaf.

"Ne. Sakura-chan, how much longer?"

"Shut up, Naruto. An hour and fifty minutes."

AAAGH! Why couldn't I have been sick today? Why wasn't I trampled by a cow this morning? Why does God hate me? How long can I hold my breath? My record is two minutes. I'll try for three, then see how long I can keep my eyes open without blinking. One hour, forty nine minutes to go. My life just sucks.


	2. two

It's been over a year since the war with Sand and Sound ended. Naturally, we kicked ass. I mean, we suffered a lot of damage, but missions are finally starting to pick up again and reconstruction is making progress at least. I don't know too much of what happened like, politics or whatever, but I know we gave Sand a pretty good beating and completely wrecked Sound, so these days we don't have much to worry about. As a city, anyway. I'm still broke as hell and if I have to work one more lame-ass C rank I might have to bust some heads. At this rate I'll be Hokage for one day before I die of old age. In my opinion I should be Hokage already but nooo I have to go through all these trials and pass all these tests and survive the training and lay a goddamn gold egg first. Well so what, I'll do it. And then I'll demand a public apology for all the crap they put me through. Everyone in this entire city, Sasuke first, that bastard. He still won't let go of the fact that he made chuunin before me. Woo hoo, by like, six months, big deal.

I don't know a lot of what went on during the war because I wasn't in it. The old hag tried to keep genins out of it as much as possible, even though I was an elite genin who could have ended the war like ten times faster. Of all the kids I know only Neji and Shikamaru had to go, but Neji just had to protect the main house or something. I think he mostly just hung around to make sure Hinata and her sister didn't get killed. Haha, man he must have been so mad. Maybe they got some good cousinly bonding time in, I don't know.

Anyway, so instead of going to war, me, Sasuke and Sakura went to the Chuunin Exams. The first one, at Mist, Konoha didn't do so hot. I mean, we did alright, but only Sasuke got promoted. The second time was at Grass with me, Lee and Tenten on a team and we friggin _cleaned up._ The whole point of us taking the exam was to show off in case any other villages were thinking of attacking us, and by the time me and Lee finished, they probably didn't think it was such a hot idea. Grass probably had to build a new stadium. All three of us, Lee, Tenten and me got promoted, which never happens to a whole team. It's because we rocked. We worked okay as a team, too. I mean, well, Lee's a little wierd, but I liked Gai-sensei alot. He wasn't around a whole lot, but he's the only teacher I've had whose not a complete pervert. Except for Iruka-sensei.

Anyway, I still like working with Sakura and Sasuke best of all, even though Sasuke's a pathetic whiny bastard who copies my moves. Now that me and him are chuunins, Team Seven doesn't work together all the time, but we still get sent out every once in awhile, or else we work in pairs. Sometimes it's great when it's just me and Sakura, but sometimes it's me and Sasuke the Prick and I don't want to think about those times right now since I'm in a good mood and I don't want to spoil it. I had a good laugh yesterday when me and Sakura met up with S the P after our birthday mission. Turns out he was helping some old lady move her furniture. I hope his back is good and sore today. It would serve him right for being such an asshole puppy-kicker. Plus I got birthday cake at the end of my mission and he got tea and a couple stale scones. Sometimes my life isn't fair, but sometimes it really is, and I have to milk those times for all they're worth. That's why my head is all bruised today because sometimes when I'm milking something for all it's worth Sasuke and Sakura just can't see the humor and they get all violent. I tell you, some people just lead bitter, humorless lives. Not Sakua so much, but Sasuke definitely.

You know what I really hate? Waiting. I really hate it like nothing else. Kakashi-sensei used to drive me nuts with that crap he always pulled. Saving a Gramdma my ass. I'm surprised he even became a genin since he probably only ever made it to school after classes let out. He seriously has a problem. I think it's ADD. I asked him about it one time and he almost answered me but then he changed the subject randomly and I don't know If he was kidding or not.

Well anyway I was saying how I hate waiting, and I only bring it up because that's what I'm doing right now. Waiting. For lazy-ass Shikamaru who I know is only taking so long because he doesn't feel like going any faster than one mile per hour. Sure, you think I should be used to it by now, right? Because of Kakashi-sensei I'm like, Patience of Steel Man or something? Wrong. Anyone who's been kept waiting every day for three years knows that people are born with a certain amount of patience and once it's used up, that's it, so I ration mine pretty good. I don't like to waste it because you never know when you're going to need a lot of patience and I don't want that day to come and find out I used it up on Kakashi-sensei or stupid Shikamaru.

I throw stones at a pole until I miss, then I watch an ant crawl over my foot. It's weird how an ant can exist if you think about it. I mean, it just kind of does. If I kicked my foot that bug would go flying, and then what? If suddenly I went flying through the air and landed fifty miles from home I'd probably shit myself, but an ant doesn't even care. Do ants know they exist? The closest you can get to not existing is waiting. There's nothing worse in the entire world. You can't do anything, because what are you doing? Waiting. I've never seen an ant waiting so I guess that's how they keep existing. Can you imagine if you stopped moving you stopped existing? Shikamaru would be long gone.

Speaking of which, here he comes, finally, making his slow way up the street. What the - he just stopped. I guess he needs to take a break. Fuck it, I'm not waiting for him to get here or I'll starve to death.

"Hey you bastard!" I call as I jog towards him. "I've been waiting here for a half hour! Where the hell have you been?" Rumor has it that Shikamaru's really a super genius with an IQ of over two hundred. I've known him for the past seven years, and I know that's a bunch of crap because everyone with an IQ over 60 realizes that slow people have to leave earlier to be on time. Even Sasuke knows this, but Shikamaru doesn't get it so I know he's an idiot.

"Che," he says. "You could be a little grateful since I'm doing you a favor."

Yeah right. He owes me a favor now since I've been waiting for so long. I almost stopped existing, but does Shikamaru care about this? No. All he cares about is how much the grass is going to grow without him lying on it. But since I don't feel like getting in a fight about it I just give him a death glare as we head into the ramen shop. Any smart person can see I'm pissed off but Shikamaru doesn't even notice because he's dense.


	3. three

I had to bug the crap out of Shikamaru to get him to meet me for lunch, and the only reason I bothered is because somehow, against all logic and with no help from his personality whatsoever, he passed the jounin trials last year, which is not fair at all since I'm a way better ninja than him. He was worse than me at school - I at least put my name on my tests. Then he went and passed the trials while I was still breaking in my chuunin vest. At least it was him and not Sasuke, though. Shikamaru's too lazy to rub it in my face, and I really think he only took the exam because Asuma made him, and he only passed by accident. I can't think of any other explanation. But accident or not, he's already passed so I'm going to weasel as many pointers as I can out of him so I can be prepared when I take it. We're waiting for our ramen to come when I decide to get right to the point.

"How did you become a jounin?" I ask. "It doesn't even make sense."

Alright maybe I could have said that differently, but he doesn't look anymore pissed off than usual. Probably because he knows what I said is true. He does this weird little frown thing that he always does and looks at the ceiling for awhile. Then he keeps looking at the ceiling and doesn't even answer me for like, an hour. I can feel my existence starting to fade.

"Oi! Idiot, did you even hear me?"

I'm ready to pound him here and now except I haven't eaten yet and I don't want to get kicked out.

Shikamaru looks back at me and gives me his most irritated look, eyes closed and eyebrows like an angry V. He lets out the biggest sigh ever and says "it was an accident." I almost fall off my chair.

"WHAT!" I yell so loud that people outside the shop stop to look in. "Someone as stupid as you can't pass the jounin exam by accident!" Even though someone as stupid as Shikamaru could only ever pass the jounin exam by accident.

"Asuma tricked me into doing it and somehow...I passed." He says. "I wish I hadn't though."

There you go. I knew that was the only explanation.

"The missions are so troublesome. I wish I were still a genin."

Boy do I ever wanna punch him right in the face right now. Send him flying out of the shop. But then he'd use it as an excuse to be unconscious and all the patience I've used today would go to waste. But hell, here I am, working my ass off, living on four hours of sleep between missions and training just to advance to where he is and he says he wishes he were still a genin and he passed the goddamn trials by accident. ARGH! Some people just don't deserve what they have.

"Alright, fine," I say. "Just tell me what I have to do to become a jounin." I just want to get this over with. Me and him have been pals for a long time, but man does he piss me off. Our ramen finally comes and he takes his sweet time filling me in between looking at the ceiling and poking his ramen with his chopsticks because he's too lazy to eat it.

"First you have to pass the written test. Legal issues, mostly. Some strategy."

Crap. Looks like I have to brush up on my begging skills to get Sakura to help me study.

"What else?"

He gives this noisy sigh like I just asked him to take out the garbage for everyone in Konoha.

"Don't you have other things to worry about anyway, Naruto?"

"Like what!" What the hell! He's the most useless person alive. I should have just bribed Kakashi-sensei with porn and asked him instead.

"The Akastuki, for one thing." He looks at me from the corner of his eye, like he's trying to be all sly or something. Okay, he's not supposed to know about that, but since he's a jounin I don't know what he's heard at like, secret jounin parties or whatever. I feel like the pit of my stomach just turned to ice, but I don't want to give anything away.

"Whatever. So, like, um...yeah. What else?" Smooth. Real smooth. I need to take control of this conversation or else things for me are going to get really...troublesome. Unfortunately for me Shikamaru decides now is a great time in his life to start being pushy. I realize this is probably the only reason he agreed to come out today, and it pisses me off.

"They've been giving you trouble lately, from what I hear." He pushes his ramen around in the bowl and tries to act all innocent but I know he's still watching me. Since when did he start being such a nosy bastard anyway? He's been spending too much time with Yamanaka Ino. If I didn't know that she doesn't know anything about it, I'd think she sicced Shikamaru on me to get some good gossip or something.

"Well, it's none of your business, so I don't give a rat's ass what you heard." Okay, if I want to sound nonchalant just now, I didn't, at all. But it ends that line of conversation about as good as anything, so I don't care. It really is none of his business, or anyone else's. "Anyway, we've been here like, half an hour and you haven't helped me at all."

He keeps looking at me sideways and doesn't say anything. Probably because I'm the shadiest person ever. I wish I had never even asked him to meet me here. I'm not even hungry anymore, but I keep eating anyway to try to act normal, even though it's a lost cause by now.

"So are you gonna help me, or what? I bought you lunch and everything and all you've done is be annoying!"

Finally. It looks like he's giving up. He probably didn't really care that much in the first place, but I guess it is weird when the dumb kid from school is getting hassled by a bunch of S-class criminals. The Akatsuki has been getting on my case lately though, but it's not like I've just been sitting around on my ass since the time Sasuke's evil brother and his dumb friend threatened to rip my arms off when I was twelve. They've taken a couple shots at me over the years, but they laid off during the war and afterwards, and I got a lot stronger training with Ero-sennin, so the last time they tried anything, well, I'm not going to lie, I got my ass kicked, but I took out a pretty good chunk of the scenery and got the attention of every Anbu in the area, and they haven't tried anything since then. That kind of makes me nervous, waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I try not to let it get to me. I try a lot harder not to let that get to me than Shikamaru. He has his annoyed face on again. You know, with the V.

"We're here because you wanted ramen, which I don't even like."

AARGH! Like I care!

"It splashes everywhere," he mutters, smearing a drop of ramen broth on the counter with his finger. I take his bowl and dump it into mine. I've had it.

"If you don't like ramen then I'll eat it." I slam his bowl down in front of him so hard I think it cracks up one side. His expression doesn't even change when he looks at me.

"You're so obnoxious," he says.

Yeah, well fuck him. You can bet that goes both ways. Still, though, I don't want to leave empty handed. I take a deep calming breath that Sakura told me about that never works to stop me from fighting with Sasuke. I tap into my reserve patience and swear to get revenge for this some day. Shikamaru looks at the wall.

"Shikamaru, please just tell me what the trials are so I can be prepared for the jounin exam," I say as politely as possible, but I don't know if he understood me because my teeth were clenched the whole time. He seems to get the point though, because he lets out another sigh like the weight of the world is on his shoulders.

"First we took the written test, then two field trials," he explains, because he thinks a whole five words on the subject is really helpful. It's like pulling teeth with this guy, I don't know if you noticed. But I remain calm.

"How the hell is that supposed to help me, you idiot? I'm asking you! What do I have to do to _paaaaasss_, as in advance past chuunin, you stupid, lazy asshole!"

Okay, wrong kind of calm. Shikamaru gets up and walks out of the shop. Or starts to. By the time I wolf down the rest of my ramen and throw a few bills on the counter and thank the ramen guy, he's covered about five of the ten feet to the street and looking like getting up wasn't worth the trouble. Time to switch tactics.

"Hey, hey! Where the hell are you going? I bought you lunch and you haven't helped me at all!"

I just remembered that I only have one tactic, and Sakura says it doesn't involve tact at all.

"You bought me ramen that I didn't even want, and then you ate it yourself."

This is true, but he's not getting off that easy.

"Alright, alright," I say. "You and me, we've been friends a long time, right, Shikamaru?"

"If you think so."

Fucker.

"So, so, as a friend, couldja tell me do you think I've got a shot at it this year? Pleeease, Shikamaru, just tell me what I need to do, and I won't bug you anymore. I'll be a better friend and I won't get on your case about being a waste of air and I'll never call you stupid again if you please, please, please help me out, alright?" Looks like I don't need to brush up on my begging skills after all. He looks ready to give in. He stops and thinks for a minute.

"I don't know if you could pass or not," he says finally.

FUCKER!

"What the fuck do you mean you don't know? It's a yes or no question and I asked for your opinion! What kind of idiot can't even come up with a yes or no opinion when he's asked a simple question like - "

Shikamaru cuts me off with one of his super-annoyed noises, like a cross between a sigh and a groan. Or a cow stuck in a tree.

"Look," he says. "Most of the time you're a complete screw up, but you might be able to pull something out of your ass like you always do."

What the hell is he talking about?

"What do I always do?" I ask.

"Like I know."

Okay. It's okay. I'm calm. I'm calmer than calm. I'm calmer than two calm things calming on a calm day and I'm going to tell Sakura that her technique is a load of bullshit.

"BASTARD JUST GIVE ME A STRAIGHT ANSWER AND STOP BEING THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE EVER BEFORE I KICK YOUR ASS!"

In the end I wind up looking for Sasuke because I need to blow off some steam and I've been meaning to kick his ass anyway. This evening as I limp casually and with dignity back to my apartment, I mull over what I had finally managed to drag out of Shikamaru, along with a few things I made sure hadn't come up at all and hopefully never would. Actually, what Shikamaru told me is pretty much what I get all the time. Powerhouse my way to victory because I suck at chakra control. Maybe it's just me, but it seems kind of stupid to ignore my less awesome chakra skills and focus on beating the living hell out of everything. That actually brings me to that other thing I'm mulling over, except I don't really want to go into it right now.

But anyway, first, it just pisses me off when people think I can't do something. Maybe I can't do wimpy little bunshin techniques so good, but I can do other even harder jutsus. And every step forward I've made by my goddamn self, thanks, so so what if it takes me a little longer because I don't have X-ray vision or someone holding my hand every step of the way. Even when I train with Ero-sennin he's just like "here, do this" and then goes off to 'collect data' and harass women. Well, just because of that I'm gonna become the Extreme Chakra Controlling Genius Boy Wonder Hokage, even if I have to work even harder. It just means no wasting time that I could be training, on showering or heating up food. I've never eaten a dry ramen brick before, but it can't be that bad, right? I mean, ramen's ramen. Besides, my existence starts to fade while it cooks anyway.

The second thing Shikamaru said was to quit being so hotheaded, which I'm not even hotheaded. Unless you think hotheaded means being energetic and ready for action. Shikamaru described it as "hyperactive and always picking a fight," but everyone knows he's dumb and a pessimist to boot. He said I was a decent strategist though, when I needed to be, so maybe he's not completely stupid. To tell you the truth, I really needed to hear that, and shut up, I know it's pathetic, but it's not every day someone says I'm good at something. Hell, it's not every year, even. Not like I care or anything. It's just nice to get know that some people don't think I'm a complete waste.

Anyway, so Shikamaru told me to calm down, like I said, so I can come up with a plan beforehand instead of flying right in and making it up as I go along. It's decent advice, but annoying. I usually don't need to plan ahead since I just use my clones and they always know the plan, but he said for the trials I would have to use teamwork. So Kakashi-sensei's obsession has a point. Who knew.

So now my problem is this: how do I practice strategy? Do I like, draw up battle plans or something? I have no idea. I guess it's something to think about on future missions. For now I guess I'll read up on chakra control and bug Ero-sennin for a couple powerhouse moves, maybe mention to Sakura about helping me study, but I think I'll put that one off. She's mad at me right now for no reason, and I want to catch her in a good mood, otherwise she'll just say how like, no amount of studying could ever help me and I'm just a waste of time. Geez, I depress myself sometimes. But I'm psyched because the three of us have a mission tomorrow which'll give me a chance to show up Sasuke with my superior strategies, and maybe get on Sakura's good side long enough to get some pointers. Right now I'm just going to ice my knees and go to bed. It's been a long, annoying day, and I think I'll never talk to Shikamaru again. I'm munching a dry ramen brick right now and it tastes gross.


	4. four

Author's note: Hey! I recently was scrounging around for some lined paper and came across several chapters worth of this in an binder which I thought had been abandoned in the most recent move. Anyway, I don't plan on continuing this, but I figured I'd post what I have. There's a bit more after this but we'll see how dedicated I can be to typing it up. Some one reviewed with a suggestion that I alter the title to suit his or her spelling preferences, and after a brief consultation with my dictionary we concluded that I can spell "syphon" however I damn well please, but now that it's been brought to my attention, I rather like like the aesthetic of this new spelling, so Siphon it is! Anyway, enjoy.

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It's been awhile since I've had a really good mission, so of course today is no different. As usual it's way below my abilities and not challenging at all and the only upside is camping with Sakura, which isn't always an upside anyway and can actually be a huge downside because sometimes she gets so moody I can't even believe it. Even for Sakura who's usually pretty moody anyway. Not that I hold it against her, I'm not saying that. I like a girl who's energetic and stuff, she just is moody sometimes is all I'm saying, more than usual, so I hope this time is not like that and that there'll be some bad guys so I can kick some ass. Doesn't look like there's too many bad guys though. I mean, bad enough, like, no morals or something, but not like, _bad_ guys with mad skills that are worth fighting. Hell, when I think about it, I went on a lot better missions when I was a gennin, 'cept most of those times were by accident. Chunnin missions are kind of better, but a lot of them suck ass. Like this one today. I mean, it's a good mission for morals, but it's so dumb/ Especially since Sasuke is the team leader for whatever reason. Didn't Shikamaru say I was a better strategist? And he has an IQ of over two hundred, so he should know. I should be the leader, I'd do a way better job. I never get any credit because I'm too busy saving that bastard's ass to do anything really cool. It's his fault I'm not Hokage yet, I'm serious. He's such a wimp.

This mission is really stupid because a bunch of guys kidnapped this rich lady's kid and are trying to hold it for ransom. This is a ninja village, for crying out loud. Who kidnaps a kid from a _ninja_ village. It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. We had their location nailed before they even sent out the ransom letter, that's how stupid it is. Of course, for another team it might be more challenging, but those teams have dumb people like Kiba and Shikamaru on them. Even though this mission is retarded, it's a good thing I'm on it instead of one of those guys who would probably really screw it up. I mean, we already have Sasuke who screws things up enough just by existing and being annoying. Like he's being annoying right now. He's trying to be all _strategic_ and shit because he's the _team leader,_ whoop de do. It's all I can do not to kill myself while he's talking.

"Naruto! Pay attention!"

"I am paying attention!" He thinks that just because he's an Uchiha that everyone else has a short attention span. He looks at me for a minute, his eyes all narrow. He should just get some glasses.

"What did I just say." He says. What is this, some kind of test?

"Liiiiike, 'strategy, blah blah blah, way of the ninja, blah blah, Naruto listen, blah bl–"

"Alright," he says, and closes his eyes in an angry Shikamaru way. V brows. "It's obvious the strategy was too complex for you to follow, so let me simplify."

Jerk! You know, I wouldn't have a hard time listening if he said something creative ever once in a while. Something like 'I'll create a diversion with this ballerina skirt and Naruto, you use your mad skills to ninja into the secret lair and save the princess.' Now that's the kind of strategy I'll listen to. None of this...um, whatever kind of strategy he's planning now.

"Naruto!"

"What!" Whoops, looks like I really pissed him off this time. He's got such a pale face, so when he's angry he gets all red, like a tomato, which is really funny. He also gets this manic glint in his eye which is not so funny, but it's not like he could do anything anyway.

"What is wrong with you?" he yells. "You can't pay attention for more than five seconds!"

"You're the one who's taking half an hour to explain everything! We probably could have been done by now if you didn't take so long." He's such an asshole lately.

"We could have left a long time ago if I didn't have to keep repeating the plan." He sticks his nose in the air in that faggy way he does and crosses his arms. I swear to God he's queer. "I'd be more than happy to just leave you behind, so if you're going to be a part of this team, then listen. Otherwise, just go home."

What a dick. Just because he's team leader he thinks he can tell me what to do. Actually, because he's the team leader he can tell me what to do. Fuck.

"Sakura's on recon," he starts up again. "As soon as she assesses the situation, you're going in to create a diversion and take down as many as possible. I'll get the kid and we'll get out of there. Alright?"

Of course he gets to be the hero. To bad I forgot my ballerina skirt.

"Why do I have to be the diversion?" I ask. "Why do you get the cool parts all the time?"

"Because that's all you're good at," he says.

"Like hell that's all I'm good at! I'm a better strategist than you, and I'm an awesome stealther!"

He starts glaring in this real heated way that he likes to think he's too cool to do.

"Bullshit you're a better strategist than me, and you're the number one loudest ninja n Konoha. I have you as a diversion so I can get the kid and still bail you out when you get in trouble."

"What the hell does that mean, 'when' I get in trouble? Fuck you, I can handle this!"

"Yeah, just like you 'handled it' on the escort to sand?"

Whoa. Okay, he did not need to bring that up, the fucking bastard. Even Sakura, who's been looking ready to knock our heads together seems shocked at what he just said. That was low. Um, a little while back some shit went down and a client wound up dead which was kind of my fault, but there circumstances out of my control, and I don't feel like talking about it, and he didn't have to go that far just to prove a point. In case you can't tell, me and him haven't been getting along real well lately. I think it's because his brother keeps ambushing me and Sasuke hasn't killed him yet. I can see how if I was him and had nothing better to think about, that could be frustrating, but he doesn't need to take it out on me all the time. Geez.

No one really has much to say anymore, so as soon as we double check our gear we head out. If we keep the pace up we can make it there by tomorrow night, but it's shaping up to be a pretty shitty trip.

------------------------

We reach the kidnapper's hideout by about noon on the second day, and usually we would wait until it gets dark, but every one's tempers are kind of short, so we get right to work. Remember how I was saying this is the lamest mission ever and whoever is stupid enough to kidnap a kid from Konoha deserves to get beat up for his unbelievable stupidness? It's more true than I thought. The secret hideout is some hermit shack in the middle of the woods, and it doesn't even have a real door, I don't think. It has, like, a half door so you can open the top separate from the bottom, which I don't know why you would ever need to do that. Like I said, this mission is stupid.

Sakura said the kid was in the back room, and by back room she must mean outhouse or something, because the place sure doesn't look big enough for two rooms. There's about seven guys, more than we expected for one lame hostage. They must really be hard up for cash if they want to split this ransom seven ways. They look pretty broke too. I almost feel bad for them, 'cause I sure know what that's like, but it's their fault I'm on this mission in the first place, getting rained on and yelled at and eating nothing but beef jerky. Now that I look at it that way I don't feel bad for them at all.

After Sakura had described the situation Sasuke suggested I just go in and wreak havoc. Actually his words were "barge in without thinking like you usually do."

Jerk.

Well anyway I don't have to listen to him because I came up with a strategy that's way more awesome than that. I watch as a rabid dog makes its crooked way towards the four guys hanging out by the door. One of the guys picks up a club – that's the kind of elite weapons they have, like, clubs and stuff – and he takes it and sorta tries to chase the dog away. The four guys are kinda laughing in that way when you're trying to act tough in front of a rabid dog. Anyway, the guy with the club, actually it's just a tree limb, he smashes the dog over the head and for a moment it lokks like he killed it, but it twitches a little and gets back up and keeps going for him. It freaks the guy out, which is really funny, and all his pals are looking for weapons now and stuff. Someone throws a rock at the dog and hits it in the head and when it goes down the guy with the stick beats it to a pulp. They all have a good laugh, and I'm having a good laugh when it gets up again. I'm pumping chakra into this thing like no tomorrow to keep it from disappearing after the first blow. I'm also having a good laugh because I know Sasuke's wondering what the hell is going on, all psyched to be the hero and held up by a zombie dog. I do a kind of evil laugh that would have given away my position if the bad guys' screaming hadn't drowned it out. One more guy comes out and I figure that's about as good as I'm gonna get so I launch into phase two and come barreling out of the bushes like my ass is on fire.

"Simba! No! Bad dog!" I stop right smack in the middle of a ring of bandits and for a second I think of what a stupid position that is to be in, but it sure is funny getting a look at their faces. I hug the dog to my chest.

"He has rabies," I say, ruffling his fur. I can feel Sasuke's anger boiling in the woods to my left, practically burning down the forest. Ahahaha mission accomplished. All these thugs are looking at me, not even doing anything. Not even when five more rabid dogs come out and surround them so ther's me, and this ring of thugs, and this ring of rabid dogs.

"Boo," I pout. "All my dogs have rabies." It's too funny for words. The guys only attack me when the dogs start growling and foaming at the mouth.

Now comes the part where I would say it's my favorite, only it's not. I'm fighting five angry thugs, and the smallest is still about ten times my size. I guess it's a little late to notice that I gave them a good heads up to arm themselves when I sent in the first dog, and ended up barging in without thinking like I usually do. Shut up, Sasuke.

The dogs turn back into normal clones and we start a regular brawl outside the hermit shack, but it's not long before the six clones are gone and I don't feel like making more. It's not like these guys are ninja or anything, so it shouldn't be a problem just by myself. Another guy comes out to join the fray, and I'm livin' it up, kicking ass like it's my job. Which it is. I kick this one guy right in the face and duck when another one swings a tree branch at my head. The seventh guy comes out and things start to get a little out of control. I probably won't make it out of here unless I get serious, which I don't want to do. I actually really don't wanna do, but I'm kind of in over my head. I mean, seven on one is pretty bad odds, even for a ninja, and these guys just don't want to go down. One catches me on the back of the head with a stick or something and I go down hard. They're on me in half a second, wrenching my arms so far behind my back it feels like they're broken. So I've got one behind me and six in front looking like, hey! rabid dogs. Hahaha I crack myself up. So I have two choices. I can do the thing I really don't want to do, or I can put up with Sasuke smirking at me for the rest of the year because he had to bail me out, which I really, really don't want. So, serious it is, then.


	5. five

Kicking Sasuke's ass always gives me a rush. When it's just me and him fighting I have to be creative, you know? Like, I have to find a new way every time because he never falls for the same thing twice. It's just one on one, me and him, and it's fair, which is why it pisses me off so bad when I have to be the diversion and "take down as many as possible," like he said. Actually it has nothing to do with Sasuke, but when we're fighting, we fight as equals. It's like, it's kind of like, well...Fuck.

Sometimes I have these dreams about tearing apart Konoha and everything's on fire and I'm killing people left and right and it's people I _know_ and I'm just killing them and I know it's Kyuubi, like a memory or something, but it's like it's me doing it, so when I have to fight all these people that don't stand a chance it feels like I'm just doing what everyone thinks I would do, like the villagers and stuff, you know? Like I'm just...I don't know. I don't like doing it. I've spent my whole life trying to prove everyone wrong about me, that I'm not a drop out, and now it just seems like I'm proving them right in a whole other way. So I hate when people just tell me to powerhouse my way all over the place because that's not what I want to be known as. And lately, well, now's not the time to get into it, but I've been having some chakra issues lately, so once I decide to get serious, things get really serious. Right now though, I don't have a choice.

I let off my chakra control a little bit and let it channel through my body. It's always a rush doing that, like turning a faucet on full blast. Suddenly a five ton beast kneeling on my back is nothing at all and I just roll onto one shoulder to give myself some leverage and propel myself to the side with one foot, sending Thug Number One skidding to the side. I regain my footing in time to block the next punch. Thugs Two and Three are going for me, and as Three comes up from behind I leap backwards into him, knocking him into the ground and using my momentum I grab Two's arm as he tries to deck me and pull him down, kicking him in the stomach and flipping him over me as we go down. Four comes at me with an elite thug club, and it's too easy to wrench it out of his hand and snap his arm as he takes a swing at me. The way they're moving, they're so slow, like it's through tar instead of air. It's ridiculous, there's no way they can win. Before Four can even fall I leap for his throat, snapping his neck in a clean motion, which takes me to Number Five, who had been hanging back. I don't blame him. I mean, these are just guys. Sure they're kidnappers and they've probably killed people, but fuck, I kill people.

I fling two shuriken behind me towards Three who was starting to stand up. I hear them impact as I draw a kunai and gut Five from sternum to groin. What the hell am I doing? These are just guys, they're just trying to get by, same as me, what the hell am I doing? Three's on his back with shuriken in his chest and throat. I turn to face Two and Six. I tense and go for them, their eyes are like plates and the smell of fear and sweat is so thick I can feel it in my lungs. I lunge at them, ready to end this and – wait, now I'm going sideways. I didn't even see Seven coming from the right, a lot faster than those thugs can move. It's half a second before I realize it's Sasuke, dragging my ass through the woods, and he's livid. We're a good ways away before I finally manage to break away from him, he was practically carrying me. I sort of scramble away from him and get my footing. He's breathing real heavy through his nostrils and his teeth are clenched so tight I can see the muscles in his jaw working.

"What the hell did you do that for?" I scream at him. The only reason I don't punch him in the face is...no reason, so I punch him in the face. "What the hell did you do that for?" I scream again. Of course he punches me right back but I'm so wired I don't even feel it.

"We don't have time for this" he yells at me, and turns towards where Sakura probably went off with the kid. I grab his shoulder and spin him around to face me, ready to deck him but he grabs my wrist before I do.

"Naruto!" He says.

"What the hell did you do that for!" I shout again. My voice starts cracking in a really unimpressive way, and even I don't know what I'm talking about, pulling me out or sending me in like that in the first place. I'm about six seconds from freaking out, and I'd really rather not do that in front of Sasuke, so I just keep yelling, trying to pull my wrist away from him so I can hit him again.

"What the hell did you--"

"We have to go," he snaps, and starts pulling me through the woods. I almost fall over, but stumble after him since I don't have a choice while he's got my arm. Once we get going I jerk my wrist away, but keep fallowing him. The running's kind of calming me down. We haul ass until we catch up with Sakura and by then I'm pretty much normal except I want to keep running but I can't since we have to regroup. Sakura's got the kid, looks like half boy half octopus the way he's hanging onto her neck with his legs around her waist. His eyes are all huge and he looks way past freaked, like he doesn't know what to do, so he's just hanging there. Then Sasuke belts me one and sends me sprawling, and he starts yelling and I start yelling and the kid starts crying and Sakura's about ready to hit the roof. Which there isn't a roof since we're in the woods.

"What the fuck happened back there?" Sasuke demands, pointing back towards the secret lair like I don't know where he's talking about. "We were supposed to get in and get out, and you start screwing around--"

"Fuck you, bastard!" I yell from the ground, raising myself up on one elbow. "We don't always have to do everything exactly how you say!"

"You do when I'm leading the team!"

"Well you're a crappy leader!" That fucking arrogant, self-centered bastard! I'm on my feet now and I swear to God I'm going to kill him.

"It's the shit _you_ pull that gets people killed, not what I--"

"Fuck you Sasuke, that was not my fault that guy got--"

"STOP!" Sakura shouts with all that surprise volume I told you about, looking like she's kill us both if she wasn't holding the screaming kid. "That is _enough, _both of you!"

If the kid wasn't still screaming you could probably hear a pin drop. Sakura never yells at Sasuke and when I glance at him from the corner of my eye he looks totally shocked. Haha, take that, bastard, you're in just as much trouble as me. Any minute now she's gonna completely flip. Just as long as she tears Sasuke a new one too, and not just me.

Yeah, any minute now. I brace myself.

"We have to get back," she says, calm as anything, and turns and starts walking, just ignoring the little screaming squid she's carrying. After a minute Sasuke gives me this glare and follows after her.

"What the hell?" I shout. I haven't even moved. "Is that it? What were you--"

Sakura pivots and cuts me off with this looks that's like molten lava.

"I have completely had it with the two of you bickering like little kids!" She starts, building up steam. The kid's still screaming and she raises her voice to be heard over him. "We're supposed to be professionals, you two are chunnin! Did it ever occur to you that you just broadcast our position to anyone in this forest? And now we're just standing here, asking for trouble because _you two_ can't work together as a team! Naruto, you jeopardized the entire mission with that stunt and Sasuke, you have been just plain _pissy _lately, and I'm not just talking about this mission!"

I really wish I hadn't said anything. I don't know if she'll ever stop now since she's got going.

"We have at least two days ahead of us, and if you two can't get _over_ whatever the _hell_ is wrong with you, you can bet the Hokage's going to hear about it! Do I make myself clear?"

Jeez, she sounds like Iruka-sensei, lecturing like this.

"I said AM I CLEAR!"

"Ah, ye-yes!" She is going to make a terrifying mother some day. She turns on Sasuke and levels him with a glare of death.

"Yeah, we're clear," he mutters, looking away.

"Alright then, let's go." She says, and walks off like she's the only one there. Somewhere along the line the kid stopped crying, probably because he was afraid for his life. Seeing Sasuke cowed in the face of true terror is enough to make the rest of my week though. I don't even care that I just got railed out. I'm too busy committing this moment to memory that I don't even notice how far ahead they're getting.

"Hey, hey! Wait up!" I call after them, and run to catch up. I'm still kind of jumpy, and still pissed at Sasuke, but I chalk it up to him being a bastard and try to forget about it. No point in ruining what's suddenly turned into a good day. Sort of.


	6. Chapter 6

The escort to sand was supposed to be a piece of cake. All we had to do was bring this guy to Hidden Sand Village without him getting killed. I know, it sounds pretty easy. It was supposed to be easy, I mean, we do it all the time. But things have been kind of different for me lately. Not...I mean, well, not.. Just different. And it's not like there's anyone around I can talk to. Who will know anything, anyway. I'm one of a kind, Kakashi-sensei said. He was talking about something completely different though.

I found out about Kyuubi when I was twelve, that time in the woods with Mizuki-sensei. And, I mean, that cleared up a lot of thing, like, things that had already happened. Like why everyone hated me and why I had to live in a grungy room by myself. The room's not as grungy anymore since I'm a ninja so I get paid, but it's a little bit grungy still anyway. But, yeah, so that explained a lot, but it didn't really do anything. Like, it didn't help me. Besides clearing those things up, like I said. But, um...it didn't...I wasn't...um...crap! Let me just explain it.

After that time I brought Sasuke back I started getting sick. Not like a fever or anything, and not even a lot at first, but just sometimes I'd feel really sick, like my insides were tearing apart or something, and I started having those dreams I said, about wrecking the village. I guess it was pretty obvious it was Kyuubi, but I just ignored it for a real long time because...I don't know, what was I supposed to do about it? I would just wait for it to go away and make up some excuse if I had to. I mean, it really sucked, a lot. Well, sucks, I mean, it still happens sometimes, but not a lot, and not as bad, not that it happened a lot, but it did more than it does now, and, um...yeah. Anyway, I didn't really think about it when it wasn't happening, so I didn't know it was gonna happen on this mission. I didn't think of it.

It was just after the war, so a lot of people still wanted escorts across borders and stuff, just in case something happened, and we were taking this guy to sand for whatever reason, which Sakura says was political and that kind of makes sense with the war and all, so it also makes sense for some people to want him dead. Which is why these assassins came which is why the guy wanted escorts in the first place. Probably you can see where this is going.

Three days into the mission we were attacked by a team of ninja who weren't missing-nin but didn't belong to a village either and Sakura says they probably were mercenaries or something who you can pay to do anything. But you pretty much can always pay a ninja to do something from what I've seen. I mean, I wasn't bringing this guy to Sand just 'cause I'm a nice guy. I guess she meant they just didn't belong to a village, so if they got caught or something there wouldn't be any connections. Anyway, that's not even important.

We got attacked by these guys and like usual Sakura covered the client and me, Sasuke and Kakashi-sensei did the fighting. We were pretty prepared for the attack since Kakashi-sensei told us the guy was a target, which was why Kakashi-sensei was with us in the first place since he didn't really come after me and Sasuke got promoted. So there was three of us and three of them and we were holding them off alright. They maybe had a little bit of an upper hand, but not anything to worry about. Then I started getting this feeling in my stomach, like a pulling, and I knew what was going to happen but I just tried to ignore it, I mean, what else could I do, you know, I was in the middle of a fight. It kept getting worse and worse, so I was trying to finish my guy off as quick as possible, but it was kind of hard to concentrate, and my chakra was going crazy, like I'd blow too much and then have none, and then too much, and the whole time the pain in my stomach was spreading into my whole body, till I couldn't even move my fingers. It was all I could do just to not get killed and the next thing I know I'm skidding across the ground and I can't even move, it hurts so bad. It was the worst pain I ever felt, like everything in my body was burning and ripping apart, and it's the worst kind of pain when it's from inside you and you don't know where it's coming from - not like, well I got stabbed, that's why my chest hurts. I just was in pain with no way to explain it.

I don't know how the client died. I guess with me not fighting anymore my guy went straight for Sakura who really wasn't a match for him and she's lucky she didn't get killed, or else someone stepped in for her, I don't know. I was lying on the ground and then all these hands were around, pulling my arms and knees from my chest to see what's wrong with me and I couldn't see anything but white and I couldn't hear anything either even though I know I was screaming cause my voice didn't work later. I feel pretty bad about that too because they must have thought I was dying or something, and then I puked all over the place and passed out.

The next day I said it must have been some sort of fifteen minute virus but no one bought it. I thought Kakashi-sensei did for a little but as soon as we got back to Konoha he took me to the old hag to find out what was wrong. I felt like I would be sick all over again because no one said anything the whole way back, and if anyone found out I was having problems, you know, with Kyuubi I thought they'd probably kill me or send me away or something. I've never been so scared in my entire life. That's what sucks about not having any parents is that there's no one to stick up for you when your friends aren't talking to you and the whole village has an excuse to finally kill you or something. I was practically jumping out of my skin by the time the old hag came out and I quick told her that I just got a little sick and that I was sorry and it would never happen again, but she wouldn't let me leave even though I asked her like, fifteen times. She looked at me and poked me all over and checked my seal for like, a million hours. The she left, and then she came back and checked my seal again, and then Hinata's dad came and then they both left again, and the old hag came back and told me to go home, and I was gone before she even finished her sentence. I ran all the way home to my apartment and started packing up my stuff 'cause I was so scared the whole village was coming to beat down my door with like, torches and meathooks any second, but then I decided it was stupid to run away because I'm just as much a citizen of Konoha as anyone else and they can't just kill me because they feel like it. Anyway, I'm going to be Hokage one day, so I can't just leave for such a lame reason. So I thought about it and I felt a little better, but I still hid in the shower until morning and then I just pretended like I was in there unclogging the drain or something because I didn't want to admit to myself that I was hiding in the shower.

The next morning Kakashi-sensei showed up and was banging on the door at the friggin crack of dawn, but I didn't know it was him so I didn't answer it. Somehow he just got in by himself and I told him how my drain was really clogged when he found me in the bathroom. He just said okay and started going through my cabinets looking for coffee. I asked him what the hell he was doing here and he said "you're going to die," which stopped my heart. Then he said "if you only eat ramen." I almost kicked his ass into the next century. What he really was there for was to tell me what the old hag was going to say before I bounced the other day.

The reason I was getting sick was because of the kind of seal the Fourth used on Kyuubi, which is an incomplete seal, so Kyuubi's chakra could kind of leak out and mix with mine. So that was happening just like it was supposed to, but why I was getting sick was because Kyuubi didn't want it to happen. Hell, I didn't want it to happen either. I don't want to end up all crazy like Gaara or something. But anyway, so Kyuubi was kind of like, revolting and messing up my chakra because chakra flows in a certain way in every person, and Kyuubi started tearing his away from mine and forcing it to flow in the opposite direction. Kakashi-sensei told me it was nothing to worry about it since Kyuubi only had a little control over his chakra, and that's mostly gone by now since I'm the dominant personality or something. The Kakashi-sensei said I was limited to C and D rank missions until I stopped having attacks because I was a liability and shouldn't have been on the escort mission in the first place. That pissed me off so I kicked him out of my apartment and didn't talk to him for six months until they started letting me on B's again. Now the attacks are really mild, so even though it still hurts like a bitch, it's not enough to get in the way and I haven't had one in ages, except there's kind of this other thing, but I don't really understand it. It's just like, this feeling that I can't really describe, like I'm overlooking something, or something. Not like, in a bad way, but, well, nevermind since I don't really know what I'm talking about. Anyway, I thought everyone kind of forgot about that but obviously not since Sasuke's all sore about it, like it's my fault there's a spot on his perfect record, which it's not even perfect anyway. Well screw him, it's not like I did it on purpose. It's not like I was all like "I wish a demon would tear my guts apart" and then it came true. I wish it had never happened, but it did, so what the hell can I do about it? Actually, he's been acting really sour lately, more than usual, even. That's still no reason for him to get on my case about something that happened ages ago that wasn't even my fault. What a loser. You don't see me jumping on his back for betraying Konoha and trying to kill me that time. I'm just a forgiving person, and he's an asshole, that's all. I forgive Sakura for totally flipping out at us, which is why I asked her to get ramen with me while Sasuke just sulked all the way back to his mansion after we turned the kid over to his mother. She said no and punched me in the face, but I forgive her for that too since I know she's had a rough couple of days. And since she's so cute I just can't stay mad at her. I've got another mission scheduled for tomorrow afternoon that should last a couple of days and give her a chance to cool down, maybe even enoughto go out with me even though she never has in all the years I've been asking her. Good thing I'm so forgiving. A more bitter person would have just given up by now probaby. Or maybe I'm just stupid.


End file.
